I’m not going to change who I am in order to be loved by others. Repeat these words over and over again until they get ingrained in your being, if they aren’t already. You are worthy of being the authentic spirit that you have been born to be. Do not let anyone or anything deter you from staying true to yourself.
Humans need and want love. Real love. We all want unconditional love. My grandma had a small picture of birds that read “To Love and Be Loved Is The Greatest Joy On Earth” and indeed it is. Being loved for exactly the person that you are feels amazing. It makes us feel safe, secure, valued, cherished, worthy, and unstoppable. People who were raised with an unfaltering base of unconditional love tend to be more self-assured, confident, and bold. They know that regardless of their successes and failures, they have people who value them as they are. The safety and security in that alone is priceless.
Unfortunately, there are those who grew up in households in which they felt that love was conditional. “I will love you as long as you… (you fill in the blank)”. Some people felt like they had to be perfect to be loved. Others had to stay timid to be loved. Many people grew up thinking that they needed to be straight A students to be loved. There are so many scenarios, in which people felt that they had to look, behave, or think a certain way in order to continue to be loved and valued.
When we are raised with conditional love, or perceived conditional love, then we grow to feel incomplete. Often, we seek acceptance and love from others, even at the expense of ourselves. We sacrifice all sorts of things to gain acceptance and love from others. We yearn for others to value us, and so we jump at their beckoned requests/commands. This is a self-sacrificing way to live and can be daunting and exhausting. Although some live this way all of their lives, others find the strength to break free from the grips of conditional love.
The most important love that we should seek is the love within ourselves. Genuinely accepting yourself for who you are is the greatest love you need. Although we tend to think that love (and other deep emotions) are filtered into us from the outside, they actually reside within us. We are able to love ourselves unconditionally, even when others do not. People who love themselves exude respect for themselves. They do not accept disrespectful treatment from others. This also ties into being able to set solid boundaries. People who love and value themselves establish healthy boundaries for others to respect and abide by. These self-loving people fully trust in their own abilities, qualities, and judgements. They trust, accept, and love themselves, not in a narcissistic way but in a healthy grounded way.
Those who grew up feeling like love was conditional, have an innate fear of abandonment or ostracization. There is an inherent insecurity within them. They may fear public speaking or other situations where they may be ousted for being a certain way. Their behaviors carry on long past childhood into their adult lives.
Eventually age and wisdom start to kick in, at which point these people come to realize that they have lived a life based on conditional love. At this juncture, they may choose to continue to repeat the ingrained cycles or to break free from them. People who choose to repeat the familial conditional love cycle may treat their own children the same way that their parents/guardians treated them. Imposing subconscious conditional love rules and restrictions on the next generation. This perpetuates the conditional love cycle.
Others choose to break free from their past, they realize that the love they received was conditional when it should have been unconditional. This realization leads them to evaluate multiple facets of their lives in which they’ve lived according to the conditional love and acceptance model. Then they are able to make an adult decision to change. To find love within themselves and from others by being their authentic self. They no longer feel the need to look, act, nor think a certain way to be loved. They come to the realization that they are worthy of love no matter what. This is the pivotal point that proves they have gotten over conditional love. They’ve outgrown that mindset. They’ve gotten beyond conditional love. Once this level of enlightenment sets in, they are free to be exactly who they were always meant to be…their genuinely lovable and loving self.