It is a natural tendency to focus on the things that we don’t have and what we’ve lost. The human mind almost instinctively goes straight to the negative aspects instead of the positive. In life there will be plenty of negative emotions that we will feel when we’ve lost or missed out on something. For example, we may apply to a job that we sincerely hope to get. We put in all of the effort to get the job from filling out the application to doing our very best during the interview, only to discover that we’ve been passed up during the selection process in favor of another candidate. We can get discouraged by this single occurrence and allow this to dampen our drive and esteem for other job openings. We focus on what we’ve lost instead of focusing on what we have left, our ability to try again with all of our experience, abilities, qualities, and training. There is no need to focus on what we didn’t get. Instead, we need to take that same level of mental energy and redirect it to what we still have, and that is the ability to dust ourselves off and try again…possibly for an even better opportunity.
In the spring, trees and plants start to bud. Once summer kicks in, the trees and plants proudly display their full leaves under the bright sun. As fall rolls around, plants start to die and the leaves change color and eventually fall off of the trees. A tree does not focus on the loss of its leaves. It has a built-in wisdom and awareness that reassures it of the most important factor in the situation, the tree itself. The leaves served their purpose for a period of time, but it is the tree that truly matters as it itself is what is capable of producing new leaves year after year. The loss of the leaves is not as important as what remains, the living tree itself. The tree symbolizes the significance and hope for the future.
There are instances in life where we lose a loved one. During our period of grief, we focus on the person who we’ve lost. We are completely shattered, and sometimes replay their passing in our mind. Eventually our mental focus leads us to think about what we could have done better or differently. This can lead us to feel guilt, regret, or remorse. All of these emotions are very heavy on the human spirit. Again, we focus our mental and emotional energies on what we have lost, so much so that we can fail to recognize, appreciate, and acknowledge the beautiful and amazing things that we have left in our life. In this instance, who we have left is equally important. The people who grieve with us are equally deserving of our emotions and mental energies. Sure, we miss the person who has passed away, and will continue to do so. That does not mean that we should neglect the other people who are still alive and in our lives. There is a healthy balance between grieving a loss and appreciating and loving our current blessings.
When people end an intimate relationship due to a breakup or divorce, this split can be devastating. It often leads people down a depressive path. It also can lead to protective tendencies where we avoid dating or other attempts of finding someone new. We may carry some of our resentment, fear, distrust, and other betrayals with us into the future. We may focus on why our relationship didn’t work out, our fear of being alone, our anxiety as to whether we’ll ever find someone else appropriate for us, and many other thoughts that overtake our mind during this type of loss…this is never productive. Our mind races round and round in this negative vortex. Again, we fall prey to thinking only about what we’ve lost and fail to consider all of the positive things that we’ve learned from having been in that particular relationship from beginning to end. How can we simply appreciate the experience for what it was, for as long as it lasted? What did the experience teach us about what it is we are willing to accept and what we aren’t willing to have in a relationship? How can we redirect our mental focus and energies to what we truly need and want in a union? Each breakup can lead us closer to understanding ourselves more fully, and to embrace the aspects that will lead us closer and closer to a successful relationship.
There are a variety of situations in life where we will feel a loss. Maybe our home burns down or we have to relocate. Perhaps we must say goodbye to a job that we’ve held for a long time. There are those who experience the loss of freedom because they’ve become incarcerated. Even health issues can cause us to focus on what we may lose. Interestingly, happy situations can also lead to thoughts and feelings of loss, such as the addition of a brand-new baby. We can feel the sting of the loss of our freedom as we embrace and adjust to the new responsibility of becoming a parent. Basically, any major change in our life can bring with it a sense of loss, as we work to regain our balance and embrace the new.
During the period in which we feel unsettling emotions about our loss or change, we often lose something even bigger…our ability to think about and feel grateful for the wonderful things that remain and haven’t changed. We lose sight of many positives in the present moment. We negate the many possibilities that are coming in the future. Often what we have left after the loss is all that we truly need. It matters. It counts. They matter. They count. We don’t have to negate our loss, nor do we need to negate what remains. So long as we don’t stay focused on our loss, we can pull ourselves out of that pit and rebalance ourselves by purposefully allocating a significant amount of our focus on what we still have left. There is a healthy balance between the two.