Perhaps our need for perfection is the result of a desire to receive affirmation from others. Seeking others’ approval and vindication is a dangerous path to tread. As Will Smith once said about self-esteem “How dangerous it is to allow other people to determine how you’re going to feel about YOU…other peoples’ opinions is a really shitty way to determine how we feel about ourselves”. We need to keep the opinions, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings of others at an objective vantagepoint. Not allowing these opinions, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings to penetrate to the core of who we know ourselves to be. Many relationships suffer from emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. Generally, one partner is unsure of who they are, while the other partner dominates and tells them (or convinces them) who they should be. These relationship dynamics happen all too frequently and are toxic and unhealthy. For individuals who are trying to “find” themselves, they need people who lovingly offer them the freedom to find themselves. This is done in an environment of openness, lacking judgement, criticism, and dictation. Perfection is not expected. Mistakes are readily forgiven and redirected from a healthier approach. The domineering individuals must also self-reflect, to dig deeper as to what triggers their sense of loss of control and their need to control. Behaviors of control, dominance, judgement, criticism, perfection, and closemindedness stem from deeper rooted issues. The people who embrace themselves (and others) for exactly who they are at every moment in time are liberated. They don’t establish perfectionistic expectations of themselves nor of others. Every day is a new experience. We are meant to learn from our own errors, as well as those of others. We are meant to learn that most situations will not go according to our initial imagined expectations. Thus, imperfection is the norm in life. Instead of expecting perfection and resisting imperfection, we should seek to master the art of learning from this. Analyzing our perceptions of what went right, what went wrong, and what was in the spectrum in between will help us become more comfortable with imperfection and lead us to contentment.
Perfection is glorified. What visions pop into your mind when you think of what it is to have the perfect relationship, career, car, house, family, body, income, child, vacation, etc.? Imperfection, on the other hand, is frowned upon. What visions pop into your mind when you think of what it is to have an imperfect relationship, career, car, house, family, body, income, child, vacation, etc.? You may have envisioned a loving, happy couple as perfection, while a couple who constantly fight and abuse each other as imperfect. Perhaps your mind envisioned an obedient healthy child as being the perfect child, while the disobedient rebellious bullying child is considered imperfect. There are so many different scenarios of what each of us considers perfection and imperfection to be. It all boils down to perspective. The main question is why do we frown so heavily on things that we consider to be imperfect? An imperfect body…what does that look like to you? Think of someone laid out in a hospital bed or some other imperfect image. Is the imperfection of someone who is laid out in a hospital bed really attributed to them as a person or to the illness or to the situation? Perhaps they are hospitalized due to an accident that was not their fault. Again, we need to be very conscious of what we consider perfection and imperfection to be. We will often find that when we peel back the layers of something that may not meet our definition of perfection, we discover things that we hadn’t considered before. This exercise typically leads us to a place of enlightenment, in which our perceptions have since shifted. For example, someone in a hospital bed may at the start seem to be in an imperfect situation. However, once we learn the full story, we suddenly realize that they are in the perfect situation because they are alive and overcoming a temporary life challenge. Do you consider being alive to be perfection or imperfection?
We must consciously free ourselves and others from the shackles of perfection. Our love partners are not perfect, nor will they ever be. Our work colleagues are not perfect, nor will they ever be. We are not perfect, nor should we be expected to be (by ourselves or others). Nearly every situation that we face in life will fall far short of being perfect. If others expect perfection from you, then it is time to own yourself. Respect yourself enough to take ownership of yourself and establish proper boundaries. People will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. If others expect you to be perfect, then you must teach them that you are human, and to be human comes with imperfection. When you learn to push back and set your own guidelines, then others will have no choice by to adapt and treat/approach you differently.
We are almost programmed to find fault and yet to expect perfection. Often, we’ll discover that the small things we find fault with today usually will not have any great relevance to our life down the line or as a whole. It is easy to get caught up in the details of what is not going as planned. This may be as simple as a human error. It is wiser to seek and focus on the aspects that are going well, perhaps not perfectly, but well. This holds true for people, businesses, and situations. We must be careful not to be too demanding of ourselves or others, as this typically leads to undue stress and frustration. It’s important to view ourselves in a more humanistic way, and to realize that while we will never reach the ideal of perfection, we are perfect just as we are. Striving for continuous growth, improvement, learning, and progress is a much healthier approach than working to achieve perfection (in any area of our life).
Replace the desire for perfection with contentment. Good enough is adequate. Good enough means to meet the basic needs of whatever it is we seek to make perfect. This will ease the pressure of perfection, while at the same time allowing contentment to settle in. Contentment creates a space for when the foundational needs/requirements are met, while freeing us from the weight that the expectation of perfection brings with it.
As marvelous as nature and the universe are, they too are imperfect. There are unexpected things that happen that throw things off course. Are volcanos or tornados considered perfect forces of nature? How about the dynamics in the universe, are those perfect? Meteor showers or collisions, should we consider these to be perfection? The purpose of this topic of perfection is to stretch your thinking as to what we consider perfection and imperfection to be, and to make you ponder whether something that was once believed to be perfect can switch to become imperfect and vice versa. If something imperfect can become something considered rather perfect, was it ever imperfect to begin with? Or was it perfect all along, but required a particular circumstance for it to shine (and be perceived) as perfection? Ahhh, the many twists and turns of our mind and life. We might want to embrace the here and now, and not throw the unnecessary expectation or label of perfection into the mix. Everything is exactly as it should be…including you!
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