As we age beyond our childhood, we discover that a victim mentality never serves us any good. It’s such an easy thing to point a figure at others and claim that they’ve done us wrong. This could be regarding family members, work colleagues, business partners, or any number of other situations. The problem with victim mentality is that it immediately lowers our caliber. We feel less about ourselves. Our sense of control and power have been readily handed over to the other individual(s). The wild thing about this is that WE are the ones that handed over our own will and power to someone else. This causes us to feel helpless in the given situation.
Now, to be clear there are instances where we are indeed a victim. The definition of a victim for the purposes of this writing is anyone who has unwillingly been harmed, hurt, or been taken advantage of in some way. If we are shopping at the grocery store, and someone goes and intentionally sets our house on fire, that is a situation where we are a victim. We had no idea they were going to set our house on fire. It was an unexpected undesirable event that happened that impacted us. Although there are times when we truly are a victim in certain situations, there are also other times where we play the victim even though we took part in a given situation. The remainder of this writing will be referring to the victim mentality of someone who is playing the part of a victim, and not someone who is actually a real victim as defined above. Those with a victim mentality give away their power, and they seek others’ pity, empathy, and rescue.
How can giving away our own status of dignity and power be so tempting to do? Well, when we are in victim mode, we don’t need to exert any effort. Who likes to put forth loads of energy and effort? It’s easier to make excuses for ourselves, which give us a “pass” to taking ownership for anything. We simply whine, whimper, and complain about how everything and everyone is against us. This way of behaving is very underdeveloped and childlike in nature.
Think of siblings who start wrestling with each other. The younger sibling is normally the first to cry and complain that his older brother hurt him while they were wrestling. The little guy doesn’t want to take ownership of his part in the wrestling. He wouldn’t have gotten hurt if he didn’t participate in the wrestling match with his brother. He could have walked away into his bedroom instead, removing himself from the temptation of wrestling. However, he didn’t do that, and instead opted to go along with romping around with his brother. The parent might even reinforce this victim mentality by scolding the older brother and soothing the little guy. This is not the mentality nor behavior we want to teach our future generations.
Once we grow up, our parents should no longer be our rescue team. It is time for us to rescue ourselves from each and every undesirable situation we encounter. Too many people want others to solve their problems for them. They go to therapists, counselors, guides, friends, etc. looking for them to give them the magical formula that will solve their problems. Unfortunately, most of our problems are rooted from within. We need to solve our own problems. Don’t like the people you work with? Change jobs! Miserable in your relationship? Leave it behind you! The key is to take full responsibility for your own life.
It is imperative that we all take ownership of our life and choices. If you are in an unhappy relationship, where you find yourself constantly complaining about your partner, then it’s time to step back and look at your contribution to the issues within the relationship dynamic. Evaluate why you continue to remain in that particular relationship. In order to break free from being the “victim” in an unhealthy relationship, we must remember that we each have the ability to break free and end the relationship. At work, you may be disgusted with a work colleague for some reason and complain about them to others, but you never take the time to confront them directly about their behavior. Maybe you have made some sort of effort to confront them with the issue, but to no avail. What else can be done or changed to come to a happy middle ground or to at least make you a bit more content? This is an open-ended question. Asking open-ended questions about situations always invites us to think of new solutions.
Running around with a bunch of excuses is like being on a treadmill…you may think that you’re getting ahead, but in reality, you’re just running in place. When you are ready to jump off the treadmill of excuses, and start making some real progress forward, you will take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. This is where quiet time alone, reflecting, and meditating helps. During this contemplative time, we are able to remove ourselves from the situation and ask ourselves objectively what we really want. Compare what the current situation is to what we think we want it to be. What needs to change? What actions and efforts do we need to make to help those changes happen? How can we help ourselves get to a better more content state in the situation? Oftentimes removing ourselves from the situation is the solution. How many experiences in your life need to end so that you can start having new experiences?
The fact is that we have the ability to stop playing the victim and start taking control of our own life. We become our own rescue team. Whenever we find ourselves in undesirable situations, it is up to us to solve the problem and/or save ourselves. We have to trust our own judgements, abilities, and qualities. When we believe in our own decisions, actions, and capabilities, that’s when we stop playing the victim and start leading our life. Stepping into our own leadership role is challenging for many. It requires a high level of integrity, strength, trust, belief, faith, and dignity. We show others that we respect ourselves, and therefore we are fully capable of leading our own life and decisions. We no longer play the role of the victim because we realize that we have more control than that, and so we engage in leading our life. We stop wanting others to lead and rescue us. Finding solutions to the riddles in our life becomes easier as we take charge and rescue ourselves more and more. We take full ownership of our own words, actions, and behaviors. If we make a mistake, we own up to that error and strive to correct it. Our mistakes teach us, and we work to avoid repeating them.
Essentially, we are redirecting our energies (mental, emotional, and physical) from playing the part of a victim to focusing those same energies toward what it is we need and desire. We switch from feeling like we have no control to having full control. The moment that we redirect our energies toward what it is we need and want, instead of what it is we are lacking or not wanting, that’s when we step into our own power. Our mind is so powerful, and we can use it to solve almost any riddle in life. We have a physical body that is capable, in a variety of ways, of performing as we need it to. We have the ability to control our inner emotional fluxes as well. We are not helpless. We are not hopeless. We are not victims. Coming to our own rescue means we must take hold of our life and pull ourselves out of any unpleasant situations and guide ourselves to experience more of what we seek to experience. There is no need to wait for someone else to come to our aid when we can help ourselves. Why look for others to pity and empathize with us, when we can offer the understanding and compassion we seek to ourselves. Ultimately, we are demonstrating full maturity. No longer needing our parents or anyone else to “save” us, we have matured to the point where we put forth the effort to rescue ourselves whenever necessary. You have grown to become your own rescue team. Congratulations!