Many people avoid conflict at all costs. Others enjoy stirring things up to the point of initiating conflict. The term conflict has various meanings to people. Some envision a brewing argument, others think of a clash of wills, and many think of it as incompatible vantage points which leads to disagreement. Regardless, conflict is normally considered to be negative. It is an undesirable situation and outcome. It brings about negative vibrations and emotions in us.
We all know people who have a natural skill toward conflict. They effortlessly get others riled up and into heated discussions. These individuals generally trigger a conflict, fuel it, and keep it lingering. They don’t seem to allow the conflict to affect their own personal energies. They almost get a kick out of starting these “fires” but then sit back and marvel at the flames.
Other people avoid conflict altogether. Many people pleasers want all interactions to be harmonious and peaceful. When there is even an inkling that someone is getting upset, or the prospect of any sort of conflict, these individuals start to feel anxious. It stirs their energies to think about someone else feeling any sort of negativity. The conflict averse people often sacrifice their time, health, finances, and more just to avoid potential conflict.
Why do some people thrive on conflict while others avoid it? That has more to do with their self-value and inner energies than with the conflict itself. The people who like conflict tend to have a sense of self and can pick up on those who do not. When they find a “soft spot” in people, they experiment by “poking” at it to get a reaction. These people thrive on the emotional reaction that is triggered more than what triggered that reaction. They need that energy from the emotions. Conversely, the people who avoid conflict don’t fully understand how to handle the emotions that arise during conflict and so they protect themselves by keeping everyone content. The energies that come from conflict are overwhelming to these individuals. They are prone to absorb much of the negative energies from conflict, and this can lead to health issues.
What we can do is learn to become a blend of these two character types. We can learn from the conflict thrivers to unhook our own energies and self-value from the conflict at hand. The conflict avoiders can teach us to be more compassionate to others’ point of view and needs. There is a healthy balance between the two. When we find ourselves in a conflict driven situation, we can feel safe and secure within ourselves to voice our thoughts, emotions, and needs freely. At the same time, we can compassionately listen to others as they do the same. At this juncture, the two parties can logically discuss the main issue(s) that have ignited the conflict. From here a mutual middle ground can be determined or the two parties can agree to disagree. If the latter is chosen, then an agreement on how each can manage their own separate and distinct thoughts, emotions, and needs can be established. It’s ok for two people to disagree and maintain respect for the other person as a whole. This is important to do in intimate relationships. Respect is the key ingredient to mastering conflict. Respecting your own thoughts, emotions, and needs, while simultaneously respecting those of the other individual. Acknowledgement is yet another ingredient for mastering conflict. You must feel that your vantage point is fully heard and understood, while you take the time to genuinely hear and understand the other person’s stance. Open communication is a third ingredient for mastering conflict. Both sides must be willing to be vulnerable and communicate their thoughts, emotions, and needs in a gentle and honest fashion. Self-love is also a key ingredient to mastering conflict. Each of us must fully love ourselves in order to feel safe and secure enough to give our inner self a voice, to lay out our own boundaries, and to ruthlessly protect ourselves in every situation. When we love ourselves, we are authentic, genuine, and whole.
Conflict does not necessarily have to involve another person or other people. We often have our own inner conflict going on. We battle with ourselves whether to stay or leave our relationship, to keep or change our job, to relocate or remain where we are, to go or not go to that event, and the list goes on and on. Often, we have conflict within ourselves more than we do with others. Using the main ingredients to master conflict, we can overcome battles within ourselves. We must learn to respect what we are thinking, feeling, and needing. We can acknowledge these sensations by giving our inner self a voice to communicate via journaling. When we journal our conflict, we can incorporate our sense of sight into coming up with the solutions we seek. Seeing the words that we’ve given to our thoughts, emotions, and needs sparks our brain to come up with answers. Writing our fears, worries, and conflicts down releases them from within us out onto paper. We no longer need to carry that heaviness and chaos. It allows us to take the inner conflict and organize it a little neater so that we can actually see what we are working with. Often, by organizing our thoughts, emotions, and needs, we come up with a viable solution rather effortlessly. Almost magically! We must give ourselves the love we require in order to allow ourselves to master conflict within.
Ultimately, we must learn to master conflict. This is something that we can practice with time. Mastering conflict does not always come naturally or instinctively. It is a skill that we acquire throughout life as we practice it. Not only should we master conflict with others but within ourselves. In order to master conflict, we must learn to control our energy. Conflict radiates negative energy within us and from others. Staying in control of our energy state is vital to mastering conflict. Learn to keep your energy in a balanced state, and to bring others’ energy into a balanced state. When we allow our energy to get negatively charged, and when other’s energy is negatively driven, that leads to out-of-control conflict. However, when you stay in control of your energy and maintain it in a balanced state, then you are even able to bring down someone else’s energy state to a more balanced state too. We’ve all witnessed situations when one person remains calm despite the circumstances and can calm others down who are in an “emotional wreck.” Energy is transferable. High energy can be transferred to low energy (think of a musical artist activating their audience during their performance). Low energy can be transferred to high energy (e.g., Debbi Downer bringing down the enthusiasm of a group). Be sure to manage your inner energy vibrations accordingly in order to master conflict. It is important for us to stay true to ourselves, while allowing others to stay true to themselves. We must use respect, acknowledgement, communication, and self-love to overcome all forms of conflict, especially that within ourselves. We should also manage our energies appropriately to best manage conflict. Here’s to our conflict mastery pathway!